War in Grimmauld Place
by aBardsHeiress
Summary: Crackfic for friend's birthday. AU somewhere in OotP. Sirius and the twins get in a prank war... the rest of the order decide to join in.


War in Grimmauld Place

*This is AU circa OotP for purposes of my devious crackbunnies. Written as a birthday fic for my friend who wanted mention of her and Oliver Wood. Common themes, please don't tell me I stole this.*

"Sirius, you really have no excuse to be angry," Remus Lupin said in placating tones.

Sirius was not convinced. "They turned me into a kitten!"

"After a whole year with these two pranking pretty much everyone else in the vicinity, you should know better than to accept any sort of pastry from those two."

"But… they told me Molly made it. And they turned me into a KITTEN! A white, FLUFFY kitten! Come on, Moony, you have to help me get them back!"

"I am now a respected member of the Hogwarts staff. Again. My pranking days are over."

"And you call yourself a Marauder!"

Remus sipped his tea in an infuriating manner. "I don't any more. I am now Remus Lupin, Hogwarts Librarian."

"Mooooonyyyyy!"

"No, no, I put my sordid past behind me as I prepare for this great and revered position…" he trailed off as Sirius' attention went obviously elsewhere.

"Fine!" Sirius proclaimed and draped his arms rather tightly around Ron and Harry's necks as they tried to get into the kitchen for a snack. "Come with me, boys. Hermione, you too."

"What-"

Sirius stalked into the room where Gred and Forge were prodding a taffy and muttering spells, Gryffindor's Golden Trio in tow. "Blimey, mate," Fred said. "Who'd you get to change you back so quick?"

"That is immaterial! I, Sirius Orion Black, also known as Mssr Padfoot, hereby announce your doom as pranksters, and to aid me in my efforts, I bring Harry for power, Ron for strategy, and Hermione because she is an evil genius who just needs a little prompting to realize her full potential!"

"Er-" the trio protested in unison.

"You're Padfoot?" the twins chorused, starting to look vaguely alarmed.

"This is all beside the point, because I am declaring WAR!"

By this point, the rest of the order had started to congregate. "Oh goodie," Luna said. "Wrackspurts only breed with Nargles in the midst of battle."

There was dead silence for a moment as people processed both the fact that Luna had somehow managed to make it into Order Headquarters undetected, and her strange statement. Then Tonks laughed. "This should be fun."

***

"Er, Professor Lupin?" Fred started. Remus sipped his tea and smirked, knowing what was coming.

"We were wondering if-"

"Since you seem to know Sirius pretty well-"

"And Sirius seems to be a Maruaduer-"

"If you possibly knew who-"

"The other Marauders were?"

"We mean, well, besides Wormtail."

"Evil prat that he is."

"Er… Professor, you ok?"

Remus' eyes snapped back into focus. He'd figured out a while back that there was a way of unfocusing your eyes that made the twins blur into one and their staggered speech was at least marginally less disorienting. "Absolutely. On both counts. I, myself, am Moony."

The twin's eyes went wide with hero worship. "BRILLIANT!"

"You should totally-"

"Help us out. Absolutely."

"No."

Their faces fell comically. "No?"

"I am staying as an impartial teacher on this one."

"Then… do you know who Prongs is?"

"See, its just that we really need a Marauder on our side if we're going to survive this."

"James Potter," Remus said evenly.

The twins sighed. "Well, been nice knowing you, Fred."

"Same to you, George."

"I also know how to summon his ghost." They stared blankly at him. "I'm sure he could give you plenty of ideas on how to prank his own friend. Ever wanted to practice necromancy?"

***

"Why am I here again?" Oliver asked. "For that matter, where is here?"

"Cuz you owe us big for the Harpies thing."

"How did I GET here?"

"We Accio'd you."

"Oh. That would explain my flying off my broom at breakneck speeds backwards over all of England… Anyway, why am I here?"

"Cuz necromantic rituals require three wizards and no one else we asked would help."

"Bloody hell, Weasleys! I'm not doing necromancy!"

"Yes you are, or we're telling Gwennog Jones who died her broom Urple."

"Besides, its not SERIOUS necromancy… we're just summoning a ghost for someone who didn't turn into a ghost."

"What?"

"Just chant already, will you?"

Oliver sighed. "Kelsey is going to kill me… You two do realize you bloody well summoned me on her birthday, right? I had this lovely dinner planned-"

"Urple, Oliver. Urple."

Fifteen minutes later, the silver mist that had been gathering throughout the ritual solidified into… "Harry?" Oliver asked.

"Huh?" the ghost said.

"Oliver, meet James Potter, Harry's dad."

***

James was overjoyed to be involved in a prank war again, even if it was mostly just as an advisor and occasional moral support. Sirius was just as glad to be chatting with his old friend again before Ron threw a fit about how he was fraternizing with the enemy, and if Sirius was going to get them into this mess, he was darn well going to abide by the same rules as they did.

Of course, he might have just been irritable because his hair was stubbornly refusing to turn back from glittery Urple to normal.

Most of the residents of Grimmauld Place were too busy trying to keep their heads down and out of the way, but several more were vastly entertained. Tonks, Kingsley, and Charlie had teamed up under Luna's command and were pranking both sides with equal glee. Moody, Remus and McGonagall enjoyed the sport from the kitchen, sipping tea and placing bets on the outcome of the next clash.

Until the prank gone wrong that caught everyone in the manor and changed their hair all to bright pink. Tonks was the only one completely unperturbed by the event.

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, while Remus was too absorbed in laughing at the sight of Snape with hot pink hair, Moody and McGonagall looked at each other and gave identical scowls. "We need to end this," McGonagall said.

"Agreed," Snape and Moody chorused.

"Lupin?" the Gryffindor head of house asked. "Are you in?"

Remus managed to pull himself together. "Absolutely. I've even got an idea of how to affect James."

By the time the professors past and present were done with their pranking spree, Sirius was once again a fluffy white kitten, the Golden Trio's faces had all been changed to look like Voldemort, the twins were forced to see everyone double, Oliver's broom was proving stubbornly resistant to do anything but spin in place, and James Potter's ghost had Slytherin scarves all over him.

Tea cups clinked together as the most recent team added to the prank war celebrated their successes. "You owe me five galleons, Severus. I knew we could do it without leaving the kitchen."


End file.
